For immediate release:
Celebrated Author Plans to Donate $1 Billion for Bust in D.C.
Posted on March 31, 2015
Richard Q. Fleegle Jr. III, author of the two-volume fictional triumph known as “Dickie in The Eighth,” announced today (March 31, 2015) tentative plans to possibly donate future book royalties to SPEW, the Society for the Preservation of Ear Wax. Fleegle intends to ask Congress for a hearing so that a bust of Frank Underwood (main character in Netflix’s popular series “House of Cards”), sculpted entirely from donations of ear wax, be permitted to be enshrined next to the place where the Roosevelts are honored in D.C. , wherever the hell that is. Underwood recently visited that site for inspiration. Coincidentally, scuttlebutt has it that his entire staff is passing around copies of “Dickie in The Eighth” and “laughing so long and loud that ear wax is pouring down their cheeks.”
“Yep, I am real excited about funding SPEW. How many millions of Americans will donate their wax? And who will be chosen to sculpt? Will Frank choose to pose or just send along a photo? These are all fascinating questions to be answered,” said philanthropist Fleegle, who, since book publication earlier this year, has already sold dozens of copies of “Dickie.” “I can’t wait to accumulate the rest of the royalties so that this fitting tribute to Francis is finished!”
SPEW’S hundreds of full-time, paid lobbyists will soon descend upon Congress to wax eloquent regarding this impending bust. No opposition to Fleegle’s generous act of commemoration is expected. Said somebody very close to Underwood—and directly into the camera—“THAT would be political suicide.”
Fleegle emphasizes that ALL EAR WAX of all any origin, regardless of race, nationality, creed, pedigree or political affiliation will be accepted for the bust. “And we even might go so far as to solicit some ear wax from that cute dog in the video who laments the fact that his owner didn’t share any of the goodies from the fridge, including that maple-flavored bacon,” noted Fleegle. “That doggie couldn’t take another defeat, especially if he found out the bust was already finished and his wax had not been chosen. It’s bad enough when the cat gets fed a dog’s goodies from the meat drawer in the fridge, so let’s make sure “the ultimate dog tease” does not happen again with ear wax,” Fleegle noted.
Fleegle noted that he will wait until the entire $1 billion in royalties is accumulated before he makes a final decision on the ear wax monument. When asked during a recent news conference attended by a journalist from the weekly Smoky Mountain Carolina Advertiser and Swap Meet/Flea Market Reporter whether “this is just a publicity stunt to sell books,” Fleegle responded: “As much as that big water tower in Gaffney is a stunt to sell peaches.”