Posted on November 13, 2015
Position: Seeking Interim Five-eighths- time Assistant Instructor of Criminology Communication and Beer Pong/Shuffleboard Coach with proper certification: Clodhopper State University.
Athletic Affiliation: Clodhopper State is a member of the Slower-Shorter-Fatter Athletic Conference named for Clodhopper’s first director of athletics, Astep Slower; Furball State’s first beer pong shuffleboard national champion, Abit “The Staggerer” Shorter; and Sophistry State’s first minority handicapped hops–and- hopscotch coach, Abdul Latoya “Clubfoot Chico”” Schwartz-Fatter.
Degree Requirements: The ideal candidate will have an earned doctorate in Crim-Com, at least one Nobel Prize, and irrefutable proof of life after death. ABDs will be considered if all sucking up to academic superiors is completed by the time of hire, fall, 2016.
Expectations: The person hired must be able to teach a 6/6 course load, help with academic advising (95-100 advisees per professor) and perform service by polishing the dean’s ego, his Woodie (a classic station wagon) and his silverware weekly. In addition, he/she/it must have an ongoing research agenda, or, at the least, be able to understand the really big words in the hilarious new book: Research Digest, Ph.D. Piled Higher and Deeper. Candidates given the highest consideration will be those with a coaching background in beer pong shuffleboard, the SSF Athletic Conference’s most popular sport.
KNOWLEDGE, SKILLS, ABILITIES REQUIRED: Ability to use a chalk board and chalk. Ability to teach online as soon as we figure out what that entails. If it means buying computers, we might get one. Ability to work with various educational professionals and other stakeholders in continuous improvement of the snacks and beverages in the faculty lounge. Ability to coordinate scheduling of classes with squash games, golf outings, massage parlor visits and beverage breaks. Ability to present information in a decidedly incoherent manner so that students must pay more tuition to retake courses because they blame themselves for being stupid rather than blame to prof for being a bullshi**er. Stupid those students are! Ability to respect all students.
About the University: Founded as the Kansas Abnormal School and Animal Husbandry Experimental Farm in 1862, Clodhopper State has produced many successes. These include Supreme Court Justice Byron Buzzkill the Dull and Stone “Boulder” Holder, the guy who invented the cow bra. For 100 years, our founding fathers eschewed the expense of paper and instead wrote every bit of our history with sticks in the dirt. After that, a book was ordered and a library was christened. And we’ve been on the cutting edge of higher education ever since.
For Full Consideration: Send the following package to Shirley@clodhopper.edu: Vita, 14 letters of reference, cover letter, statement of how diversity is imperative and everybody ought to think that, official transcripts hand-delivered by your university’s president, DNA samples, a nonrefundable $50 application fee, statement (not to exceed 10,000 words) on teaching effectiveness, official scorecard of your best beer-pong shuffleboard game (include liters consumed and shuffles boarded), statement of research goals, and a statement on how you feel about statements. For full consideration, applications must be postmarked by tomorrow. Applications will be reviewed by three deans, two associate deans, the Director of Diversity, 42 standing committees, two committees that sit instead of stand because we now have several chairs, and the Athletic Department mascot—when they all damn well get around to it. Shirley will assess your package and contact you if you made the cut.
Salary: Based on education, experience and numbers hit on the dart board in the dean’s office. Competitive salary at least equal to a drive-thru associate’s at a Chick Filet. Clodhopper State encourages applications from those in underrepresented classes and may have extra summer work for one-legged dwarves who follow Confucius, but the tenured faculty suck up those faster than a salty-pretzel-parched frat pledge wailing on a 32-ounce malt liquor tall boy. So don’t get your hopes up.
Faculty at Clodhopper State are responsible for providing quality instruction to students through well- prepared classes, relevant assignments, fair and holistic assessment of learning, clear documentation of student progress, and support of the academic success of all students. (And if you believe that, we’ve got a dozen cow bras we want to sell you.)